Who Am I?

As a stay at home mom there comes a point where you start to reflect on your life as it was and as it is now. There are positive things about both. I would not trade my kids for anything, ok maybe on some days I might consider it...... I might even pay someone to take them. But really who am I ? I have been asking myself this a lot lately. Am I just a mom and wife? I enjoy being both for sure, but some where a long the way I have lost.....me. Mothers have a way of  putting  ourselves last all the time. If there is not much money, we spend what little extra we have on the kids. I'm not even the kind of mom that believes it's all about the kids, I have always believed it is important for them to feel loved, but not believe they are the center of the world. That means I do know how to say no. However, in reflecting the other day I realized it has crept into my life anyway. You do it without thinking because it keeps the sanity at the moment. For instance, music in the car. You start out with an infant putting on relaxing music so they do anything but scream in the car. Next thing you know your car is filled with book on cd and movies and kid's music so the kids wont fight in the car. For the moment you don't care because you aren't yelling at them and breaking up fights.......there is quiet......blessed quiet. After a while you realize you haven't listened to your music in so long you have forgotten what it is.  Already I feel like there is an endless pile of laundry, endless dishes, endless mess, endless demands. Today, Bodie had his first presentation in front of a room of his peers. He did it on deep sea fish and did great. I am proud of him. However, now we are back and I am feeling guilty because I am taking time to write.....for the first time in months instead of getting right on house stuff or finishing our taxes  that I have to have in by the fifteenth of this month. And it's rediculous because I never take time to do stuff I want to do. I have a great friend who is in a very simular situation and we talk about this a lot. We try to be super moms and don't even realize that is the way you burn yourself out. The hardest thing about being a mom, stay at home or not is that it is so long before you realize the fruits of your labor. Laundry is a thankless job (and a thinkless job) there is never that moment of accomplishment because it is never finished. The same goes for dishes, and the clutter, and the noise. Even with the kids you won't realize the fruits of your raising them for years and years. Right now all you get are a couple of glimpses of headway mixed up with a whole lot of headaches. And in the midst of all that here I am doing my job as best I can. In some ways my brain is being stimulated and in some ways it is being stifled. I feel somewhat stifled in my own dreams and goals, they are gone by the wayside in an effort to grow and stimulate others brains. While I know this is good and important it still leads me back to the question who am I? Is my only identity in being mom? I don't think so. And my identity is not in just being a wife either, although I feel strongly about that also. I am me......it's just that me has been lying dormant for a while.

Concerning pregnancy, birth, and crankiness.

I find myself with twenty-four days to go until my due date......yes Christmas Day. I have had an easy pregnancy so far, much like my other two, despite keeping up with two kids, five and two. I have managed to keep up with homeschooling and my house work and most of my daily activities. However, I find myself struggling as of late. I have not slowed down and now my body is starting to protest. It comes in the form of being cranky, and mostly being cranky with my kids. I actually feel relieved when my husband is here because he is pretty good about jumping right in and helping with the kids. Sometimes that means helping me get them rounded up for the night or sometimes just having a second person keeping an eye on them so I can get some things done.

Things that would normally irritate me seem so much bigger and I know it is because I am not slowing down. Why is that so hard for me to do? Part of is because I know I have limited time left and I still feel like I have so much to do. By the time school is finished and basic house cleaning is done it still looks like a tornado has hit. My five year old is pretty good about cleaning up his own messes when you tell him to, but is not the fastest in the world. Of course with a two year old you do a lot of the cleaning and they help. Have I pointed out that bending over makes me even crankier? Then you still have dinner and baths and bedtime. I have not even gotten to anything extra......like the babies room. Today I went in the room one time to look at what else I needed to do in there. I never got the chance to even walk back there again. I started to try my hand at a rosemary wreath, and the kids got in a big fight. I had to quit. Why am I trying to arrange rosemary on a wreath while the kids are getting hungry and tired? It was a stupid plan and one that ended up with screaming all the way around.

One thing I am pleased about is that, along with help from a friend, I was able to get Brylee moved into her new room. It is not finished, I still have decorating to do, but she is in there and making the transition quite well. I was amazed that the day we got all her things moved in she wanted to take a nap in her new room, and has never looked back. Her naps have been fuss free and night time as well. I am truly blessed there, and am more convinced than ever that getting your kids into a sleep schedule early on is a major bonus later. I have two very active kids, and yet both have transitioned from crib to bed and new rooms without losing sleep or routine. I can't believe that is luck, I have to believe that is due to being one thing that I have been very dilligent and consistent about from the beginning.

I am going to try to force myself to just relax a bit, take time to play with my kids, take time to sip my hot tea or sit outside for a few minutes. I think I am getting cranky because I am not allowing myself any down time. It's not even that I don't have time to myself. Time to myself is nice, but I am not even allowing myself to relax. I go from one task to another to another. Some days I really want to get outside, but the house is a mess and I want it to get be clean and inviting when Glenn gets home. So instead of relaxing outside for thirty minutes, I spend that time folding clothes, picking things up off the floor, and on and on. What's more frustrating is that tomorrow the messes and clothes will be there again and so it feels like you do all this work and there is nothing to show for it. No wonder I am cranky! So, starting tomorrow, I am going to try to slow down, do a few more things besides work, actually play with the kids, and see if I am in a better mood.

Girl's Day Out

Last week Bodie started a P.E program. It is once a week from one to four. They do all kinds of sports, there are lots of kids, and I really like the coaches. I am thrilled that he has to work as a team with other kids and that he has to take direction from someone other than me for a while. However, one of my favorite parts about this is that it is a drop off program.

Not only do I think that he needs that time to learn under someone else, but it has turned into a chance for Brylee and I to have girl time.

When Bodie was going to preschool we didn't really have that time between driving and naps  This place is located a good fourty minutes away from the house so I am not going to go home, which means I have to find things to do. Luckily, it is in an area where there are quite a few fun places to go and I can also get errands run at the same time.

Today was our first real mommy daughter time because the first time I took Bodie to his P.E class, I stuck around for about half the time to just see how things are run. This time we dropped him off and ran. She hardly has me to herself ever so I think it is just as much fun for her. Today we went to Hobby Lobby and picked out stickers for her potty chart, she found herself a really cute lunch box with Abby from Sesame street on it, and then we went shoe shopping for her Halloween outfit. It was nice to just go and get her some litle things and make her feel spoiled. So much of the time it is all about Bodie just because of school. She also spends a lot of time doing things he does just because she looks up to him and wants to play with him. It was so much fun seeing what ideas she had when there no other influences.

My favorite part of today was just being able to look at what she wanted to look at, and being able to enjoy her sweet personality all by itself.

I am really glad I have this opportunity to have some one on one with her before the baby gets here. I can tell she really enjoyed it too. She was so cute showing Glenn all her stickers and shoes when he got home. She even offered him a princess sticker when he went potty! He declined of course, but it was funny.

Your Job as a Stay at Home Mom.

I take my job as a stay at home mom pretty serious. It is a job that you don't get paid monetarily for, but the other benefits are pretty amazing. Where else can you shape a person's character? The sole responsibility for shaping the way that person responds to other people and the world around them is on our shoulders. That is not a job to shrug at.
 So naturally the other day when a friend of mine asked me why I have been so busy lately if I am not holding down an outside job, I was a little irritated. Really? She even has kids of her own. I'm not sure what people think goes on when you stay at home all day. First of all, at my house, I make the deposits, I pay the bills, I take care of the books and tax stuff, I haul the kids around, I clean house and wash clothes and cook. I feed the horses and clean stalls. I play with the kids, I teach the kids, I do the shopping and tend to the garden....need I go on? When I write this I don't want it to sound like my husband doesn't help. We share the cooking. He does clean up, and has been known to wash a load of clothes if needed. We work on the finances together. We really are a team. However, I can never understand people that really don't comprehend how much work it is every day of the week to take care of two kids under five. On top of that I have a fifteen year old stepson that I haul back and forth to school, some too.
  Maybe there are some of you out there that have time to sit around and watch soaps. I have not watched any TV during the day in forever. Yes, sometimes I put a movie on for my four year old so I can get on Facebook or something, but even that is rare. I am kind of funny about how much TV or movie time he gets. In the morning when I make my coffee I normally have to reheat it numerous times before I get a cup drank.
 I'm not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is what I chose. I love it and wouldn't change it, but please don't minimize it. It is a full time job that is physically and mentally exhausting. In the end I believe it is the most important job a person could do and that is why it is so serious to me. That is why I analyze my response and my kids responses so much.  So just a hint.....don't ask a stay home mom what she does to fill her time. Trust me she has no time to fill and is lucky to get any time to herself at all without scheduling it.