There's about a million reasons why I shouldn't write this blog, but I'll just start with three.
First, it's admitting that I have a weakness and weakness is not something I like to see in myself. Second, it's admitting that I'm not a perfect parent. Everyone knows they aren't the perfect parent, but telling the world is another thing. Lastly, and the worst for me, is confronting myself with the fact that there might be some of my biological father's dna in my veins.
I mostly throw in that last part for the moments when I say or do things that I honestly have no idea where they came from. Naturally, it's so much easier to blame someone else for the parts of us we are shocked to find. I would be comforted to place the blame on him, but then that would mean having to admit I have his blood and yea, that's another story for another day.
I was listening to my kids fight the other day(for the the umteenth time) and realized I didn't like what I was hearing. It sounded vaguely familar, except somehow worse. I thought, "I really need to work on that." I was meaning work on my kids about that, but then I heard a little voice that said,"You can't work on their hearts until you change your own."
So, I'm writing about my heart, my weak heart, my weak behavior. I'll be honest and open about struggles and success. After all this is a blog about struggles and snuggles right? I write to share failures and success. I write to get advice, dos and don'ts. I write because it will keep me real. If I know I have to write about it I will think about things I do or say more.
I'm a nagger, a yeller. I'm not patient. I was once.........a long time ago. I'm passive aggressive and I didn't realize it until I had multiple kids. I don't like to feel out of control. Let's face it having kids changes things, lots of things. No matter how much you plan or try to organize, there is always the unexpected. Oh so many unexpecteds. God has a sense of humor. Did you hear me I said GOD. Because I can assure you, it's normally not me laughing.
Before I go further, I should say I'm not like this all the time, but just lately it's gotten worse than I want it to be. It's not how I feel God is with me and so I don't want to be that way with my kids. Some of you know what I mean.....ranting at them over things that honestly aren't that big of a deal. Sometimes I know I could have gotten my point across so much better if I wasn't so angry. And it's not the spilled milk running under my stove. It's the spilled milk running under my stove,the screeching baby clinging to my ankles, and the half naked ninja that has just performed his ninja moves on a sister who has now begun screeching in octaves unknown to man. It's actually kind of funny writing it, but in the moment I am yelling and angry because I am not in control.
As I write I wonder if this is one of the ways God is trying to get me to let go.I have to quit hanging on. I have to quit having to have things go a certain way. I have to quit putting so much pressure on myself and just enjoy my kids. A friend of mine told me not to pray for patience because you would get many many things that come up to teach you patience. Maybe I should not be praying for sanity either :)
So this is one of my journeys, one of my struggles. Anger is sometimes justified, but how I respond to it is not always justified.