There's about a million reasons why I shouldn't write this blog, but I'll just start with three.
First, it's admitting that I have a weakness and weakness is not something I like to see in myself. Second, it's admitting that I'm not a perfect parent. Everyone knows they aren't the perfect parent, but telling the world is another thing. Lastly, and the worst for me, is confronting myself with the fact that there might be some of my biological father's dna in my veins.
I mostly throw in that last part for the moments when I say or do things that I honestly have no idea where they came from. Naturally, it's so much easier to blame someone else for the parts of us we are shocked to find. I would be comforted to place the blame on him, but then that would mean having to admit I have his blood and yea, that's another story for another day.
I was listening to my kids fight the other day(for the the umteenth time) and realized I didn't like what I was hearing. It sounded vaguely familar, except somehow worse. I thought, "I really need to work on that." I was meaning work on my kids about that, but then I heard a little voice that said,"You can't work on their hearts until you change your own."
So, I'm writing about my heart, my weak heart, my weak behavior. I'll be honest and open about struggles and success. After all this is a blog about struggles and snuggles right? I write to share failures and success. I write to get advice, dos and don'ts. I write because it will keep me real. If I know I have to write about it I will think about things I do or say more.
I'm a nagger, a yeller. I'm not patient. I was once.........a long time ago. I'm passive aggressive and I didn't realize it until I had multiple kids. I don't like to feel out of control. Let's face it having kids changes things, lots of things. No matter how much you plan or try to organize, there is always the unexpected. Oh so many unexpecteds. God has a sense of humor. Did you hear me I said GOD. Because I can assure you, it's normally not me laughing.
Before I go further, I should say I'm not like this all the time, but just lately it's gotten worse than I want it to be. It's not how I feel God is with me and so I don't want to be that way with my kids. Some of you know what I mean.....ranting at them over things that honestly aren't that big of a deal. Sometimes I know I could have gotten my point across so much better if I wasn't so angry. And it's not the spilled milk running under my stove. It's the spilled milk running under my stove,the screeching baby clinging to my ankles, and the half naked ninja that has just performed his ninja moves on a sister who has now begun screeching in octaves unknown to man. It's actually kind of funny writing it, but in the moment I am yelling and angry because I am not in control.
As I write I wonder if this is one of the ways God is trying to get me to let go.I have to quit hanging on. I have to quit having to have things go a certain way. I have to quit putting so much pressure on myself and just enjoy my kids. A friend of mine told me not to pray for patience because you would get many many things that come up to teach you patience. Maybe I should not be praying for sanity either :)
So this is one of my journeys, one of my struggles. Anger is sometimes justified, but how I respond to it is not always justified.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
In Our Lives This Week: Has A week gone by already? We've been enjoying the cooler weather. I know it won't last forever. In Central Texas there is a heat wave just around the corner. So we've been doing a lot outside. One place we frequent is Berry Springs Park. I never understand why more people don't go there. The trails are perfect for my kids to practice their bike riding and I can easily push a stroller on them also. Since it is also a nature preserve it is largely in its natural state, which gives us great nature walk adventures too.
The trails are awesome! There are springs running through several places on the trail right now.
And some great nature sightings as well:
In Homeschool This Week: We have one more week of school left! I'm ready to be done for a while. This week is mostly finishing up and reviewing what we've learned. Hopefully most of it stuck and will be hanging around in a few months when we get started again. Next year may be a challenging year as I will have Brylee doing preschool and Brooke will be old enough to want in on the action too. The good news is that Bodie will be in second grade. This year he has really been able to do some work without constant help so that should leave me more available for the other two this next year.
|the clean up is worth the few minutes of entertainment!|
What Worked and What Didn't: This past year I did more of the lesson planning. For me this does not work, at least right now. Bodie is going with Sonlight all the way this next year. It is a little more expensive, but it is worth it in my opinion. They have all the instructor guides and planning done for you. Not being naturally organized, planning the lessons for Bodie and trying to plan Brylee's activities too is just too much. Next year I will have Brooke and Brylee to plan out so I want Bodie's to be more simplified. In my experience with all the ideas and activities that Sonlight gives you to do with their curriculum I will still have plenty to do.
Things We Are Working On: Becoming more self sufficient is a big thing we are working on and it ties in well with our budget, which is another thing we are trying to stick to. For the first time in a long time we have a garden that is really doing something. I am starting to notice a difference in how much we are spending in groceries. We buy a pig every year after the kids around here are finish showing them for 4-H. They sell them cheap. We feed them for a month and have them butchered. This gives us pork for a while. Our chickens are providing all the eggs we need, and the garden is helping with the groceries.
We are getting a few carrots. These don't stick around because the kids eat these almost right away.
The green beans are just starting to take off. We are getting a nice bowl full every day right now. My mom had a neighbor who went out of town and had green beans ready. We canned 21 quarts of green beans! That was a job, but I won't be buying green beans any time soon.
In a few more weeks we should be getting tomatoes and peppers so I am hoping to make salsa too!
I'm Cooking: Tying in with the budget thing also, me and several other girls have been cooking freezer meals every two weeks. It takes about the whole day, but then we have two weeks worth of meals and we don't have to grocery shop except for the basics.It has really cut back on how much we spend at the grocery store. We get a lot of our recipes from Pinterest.
I'm Inspired By: Chris Graves and Mike Rainey, our pastors at NewChurch. They have been amazing at leaving their comfort zones behind. Just proves that coming out of the comfort zone creates growth. These guys just keep getting better and better every week. I'm still working on learning this!
|I love these footprints, they won't be tiny long!|